MAKE EVERY MOMENT COUNT IN PARENTING - OBEDIENCE YEARS 1-5
One of the most important goals for the first 5 years of my boys' lives has been teaching them how to cultivate obedient hearts. This goal takes a high priority over everything else - school, creative time, and playing. We provide the boys with tons of opportunities to enjoy playing, exploring, and spending time together. But, when it's necessary, we'll stop and prioritize moments for instruction and development.
Teaching your children is a challenge. Before you become a parent, it’s easy to think that you'll simply tell your children what's expected of them and if they don't obey, then consequences will come. And you think that next time something like this comes up, they’ll have magically learned their lesson. This just isn't the case. The parent/child relationship is a real balancing act between children obeying their parents, and parents not provoking their children. Sometimes striking this balance is a struggle because we can parent from a place of frustration and impatience. Kids pick up on tone, and we can stir them up and discourage them unnecessarily (Col 3:20-21).
Here are some categories I use when talking about obedience in our home and how we define them.
Heart - Who we are on the inside and what motivates us.
Character - The way we consistently respond and act (reflects who we are on the inside).
Behavior - Actions that are visibly observed (may not reflect who we are on the inside).
Obedience - Responding quickly, completely, and with a cheerful attitude of the heart.
As a parent, I want obedience to be pleasing and full of joy and I want disobedience to be displeasing and void of joy. But the act of obedience isn't the end goal - it’s cultivating a heart of obedience. It's the heart that informs character and behavior. Simply trying to modify behavior fails to address root issues that build character in your children. I want to address the cause, not just the symptom.
Here are six areas that have been helpful as I’ve worked to cultivate obedient hearts in our little ones.
Be Proactive
It’s important to get ahead and anticipate foundational conversations you need to have with your children. It allows you to think through exactly what you want to say, instead of waiting for them to ask questions and trying to figure it out in the moment.
I have to think of these instructive moments as more than just that moment. Change doesn’t typically happen instantaneously - it’s a process. These talks are investments for the long term.
Be Approachable
We have an opportunity to show grace and kindness to our children as they sin and make mistakes. Hebrews 4:15-16 talks about Jesus, the great high priest, who can sympathize with our weakness. If we’re able to approach God on a throne of grace - how much more should we be creating an environment where there’s grace for mistakes and where our children can approach us with boldness and assurance of our love and care for them.
While I always want to be approachable and ready to answer questions, there’s a real need to understand when your kid is wanting to learn and understand and when they’re trying to delay obedience. Sometimes you may need to tell them that you’d love to answer their questions, but that they need to focus on being obedient first.
Be Flexible
As a parent, there are going to be a lot of opportunities to feel frustrated and angry. But I want to be the kind of person that is ready to laugh and reassess what needs to be done. Likewise, I want to approach each unique situation with fresh eyes, seeking to understand what’s going on in the hearts of my boys before jumping to conclusions.
It’s frustrating when things happen in life that we don’t understand. While we shouldn’t allow our kids to manipulate situations to delay obedience, it’s helpful for them to understand what is going on so they can actually understand what is happening in the moment. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. They can understand what you’re telling them.
Model Obedience
One of the most important things I’ve learned as a parent is if you want your kids to act a certain way, it’s helpful if you act that way yourself. Our children copy our good and bad behaviors. I’m called to be the kind of person that forgives and asks for forgiveness, that says I’m going to do something and then follows through with it. I don’t ever want to feel “above” helping my children understand that obedience isn’t just for children, but that you have to be obedient as an adult too.
Modeling obedience to your children not only shows them the importance of being obedient, it also shows them the benefits of being humble and relating with others.
Model Love & Respect
I want to be the kind of person who is affectionate and loving with my family, but also respectful of the boundaries and preferences of everyone. I want to show my children what it looks like to consider others as more important than myself.
Striking the balance between telling your children that they’re important while they should prefer others can be hard sometimes. But we have the opportunity to lead by example by modeling love and respect for each other.
Model Communication
Help children understand what you’re asking of them. There are times when you should simply tell your children to not do something (e.g. run out to the road). But when there are also times when we should explain and help our children understand. Whenever we do this, we should communicate in ways we want our children to communicate - they will copy us. It’s a matter of taking the time to get to know your children and having the conversations about what is motivating their actions.
Parenting and teaching your children is hard. It requires thinking ahead, responding with kindness, being flexible, leading by example with obedience, love, and communication. We should be holding ourselves to the same standards as our children. We want them to know that we’re for them and the expectations we set for them are for their good.
Here’s to making every moment count as you parent your young ones and teach them the importance of obedience.
| Credits: Author - Jacintha Payne; Graphic Design & Photography: - Marketeering |
Habits will form one way or the other, it's a matter of whether the right ones will be established. It's easy for poor habits to create themselves. Creating good habits requires intention and purpose.