COMMUNICATION - RELATING TO OTHERS

Do you ever find yourself communicating something you feel is heartfelt and sincere, while at the same time, the look on your recipient's face tells you you're not connecting with them? There's been an area of my communication that's felt broken and misunderstood for a while now. This specific area of trouble shows itself when I'm drawing connections and relating to other's experiences. 

Let me start by saying this is not meant to be an exhaustive blog on the art of communicating. Instead, my hope is to share a few thoughts from those in-between moments when the engine seems to be missing.

Relating to Others

I love feeling connected to the people I care for in my life and relating to other's experiences. Whenever I'm talking to a friend, and they mention an experience they're walking through, I immediately want to take our friendship to the next level by sharing a similar experience. My desire to share this is out of love and strengthening our relationship. I get really excited about sharing similar experiences. From my perspective, by drawing a line from their experience to my own, I'm uncovering additional levels of connection that deepen our friendship.

The Problem

Sometimes making these connections in conversations works the way I'm hoping it will. But other times it can cause visible frustration, or a sudden shift in the topic of discussion. What I hope would be an "ah-ha" moment of shared experience can turn into an awkward moment of communication. And in some cases, it will even require a follow-up conversation to clean up a misunderstanding.

This has been going on for years, but I couldn't put my finger on the best way to adjust the way I communicate. I want the connection and deepened friendship with people, but my "strategy" has been as equally frustrating as it has been helpful.

The Root

Calvin and I had a mind-opening conversation about the way that I communicate, with specific attention to how I attempt to relate to people through a shared experience. The root of the misfire in communication is my shift from listening to speaking. Prematurely shifting from listening to speaking causes a handful of problems:

1. It Can Minimize the Experience of Others.  Whenever I'm quick to draw a line between the experience of others with my own, whether I like it or not, I'm actually comparing and contrasting our experiences. This means if my experience was harder, more significant, or more challenging, it minimizes what they're trying to explain or communicate. In other words, it is like I'm one-upping them. Additionally, if my experience is less significant than theirs, it brings whatever they're sharing down to the level of my experience. Either way, it ultimately demonstrates that I'm not listening and understanding their story correctly - even if that is not my heart's motivation.

2. It Can Communicate, "I Want to Be Heard." Shifting from someone else's story to my own experience can communicate that I desire to be heard over others.  If I make the shift from listening to speaking too quickly, it can seem like I'm uninterested in their story or trying to hijack the conversation.

3. It Can Assume Others Want My Perspective.  Sometimes people tell us stories and open up because they want us to speak into their situation or give advice. But other times, people just want to be heard and understood. Prematurely drawing connections between other's experiences and my own can make the assumption that someone else desires my perspective or advice. 

The Take-Aways

Drawing connections between similar experiences is helpful when it's done the right way. Here are three things I'm trying to do to help navigate these moments in conversations to make sure I'm rightfully applying my own experiences.

1. Give Others Adequate Time to Be Heard. Giving others the full opportunity to be heard and understood doesn't mean I'm a passive participant in the conversation. It means I'm invested in understanding the person I'm talking to. Sometimes people will only give bite-sized chunks of information. I still want to be the kind of friend that is asking questions and helping have a full understanding of what they're experiencing.

2. Acknowledge That I've Understood What Someone Else is Communicating. Sometimes, people just want to be heard and understood. They don't want advice or commentary on how they're supposed to handle a situation. It's helpful for me to acknowledge that I've understood what someone else is communicating. This can by repeating back what someone has described. I don't imagine this being a verbatim repeat of whatever someone has expressed to me. Instead, it's acknowledging what I understand the other person to be communicating in a simplified way. (e.g., "You've had to walk through a tough situation, that's really defeating." Or "You worked really hard on this project, you deserved the recognition you received for it.") Acknowledging that I've heard what someone else is communicating tells the other person that I've been invested in listening to them.

3. Only Draw Connections to My Own Experience that Enhance What Someone Else is Communicating. At this point in the conversation, it can be helpful to draw connections to similar experiences. But it's only beneficial if it is enhancing what the other person is communicating in some way and doesn't minimize their experience in some way. What I'm trying not to say is, "You've had to walk through a tough situation, that's really defeating. That's just like the time that X happened to me." or "My life has been full of hard situations like this." Both of these responses can minimize the experience of others. I want to draw connections aligning with someone else by showing that I understand what they're feeling (e.g., "You've had to walk through a tough situation, that's really defeating. There have been seasons in my life when I felt defeated. I hate that you're feeling that right now.")

My desire is to love the people I'm communicating with. I want to take the time to listen and understand - to be slow to speak. I'm learning that simply lending an ear and hearing people can help deepen the roots of friendship as much as relating to other's experiences will. Here's to making every conversation count!

|  Credits: Author - Jacintha Payne; Photography - Ali Henderson  |