DETAILS: ASK "WHAT CAN I DO?" - PART III FRIENDSHIPS

A – Ask "What Can I Do?"

Effectively anticipating needs requires making a practice of asking the right questions for the work you're presented with.  No matter where you turn there's work waiting to be done: at your job, around the house, and with your friends. There are assignments to complete, projects to work on, and relationships to strengthen. With all of the work that surrounds us, how often are we asking those around us what we can do to better support them and anticipate needs? Asking "What can I do?" simply means, asking the right questions to get the most important information needed at that time to serve well. I conclude this series on Ask "What Can I Do?" by looking at friendships.

Friendships are a wonderful gift. Getting to know others and experience life alongside them is joyful and rewarding. I’m continually learning and growing in what it means to be a good friend, how to care for someone and be there for them. Some may only have a few people they are close with, while others may be able to invest in a handful, but the important thing is to know how much we’re able to handle with everything we’re committed to. When it comes to friendships, asking “What can I do?” requires time to go beneath the surface and invest in people.

1. WHAT TO ASK

“What can I do to get to know them better?” is a helpful question to ask yourself, not only when getting to know someone for the first time, but as a place to revisit frequently in investing with close friends.

There are many different ways to get to know friends better. Thinking through a list of “get to know you” questions is a thoughtful and intentional place to start. It’s amazing what you can learn about a person by asking simple questions like “What’s your favorite book?” or “Where’s your favorite place to vacation?” Questions like this are both fun and revealing, because they give the opportunity to learn not only the basic answer to the question itself, but how the other person thinks and what they value.

If you’re looking for inspiration or ideas, the Dinner Questions resource on the HOSTING A DINNER: PEOPLE blog has a list of questions to start with.

2. WHY TO ASK

The goal of asking questions and getting to know someone better is not to merely store up information and facts, but to apply that knowledge in serving them.

Philippians 2:3-4 provides a really helpful and beautiful definition of loving service:

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

The practice of humbly putting aside selfish motives and considering the interests of others above your own can look different with each friend and situation, but the hope in asking “how can I know them better” is that you’ll know your friends so well that you’ll be able to anticipate their needs and serve them uniquely. Knowing that their family is coming in town so that you can run to the grocery store and free up their time to finish cleaning their house. Knowing the important dates and events in their lives, and making them important in your own life.

While there will be times when you’ll be asking direct questions, there will be other times to just do something and not wait to be told or delegated to. Sometimes in serving your friend it’s better to relieve them of the burden of having to delegate tasks, and it’s better for you to just jump in and help. This way of thinking doesn’t come automatically, and requires deliberate investment of time and transparency with friends.

Ultimately, when we ask our friends how we can know and serve them better, we should communicate in such a way that shows that we are ready to serve.

3. HOW TO ASK

When asking questions like “what can I do to serve you right now,” the way we ask can be just as important as the questions itself.

I often think of a story my husband shared with me from a job many years ago as an example of this. At the time, Calvin was training at a coffee shop in Louisville and the manager was working alongside him. A customer came in and ordered three hot coffees, and Calvin asked “do you want a drink carrier?” They declined, took the coffees, and left. After they left the manager came to Calvin and gave him feedback, asking how he could’ve phrased the question of the drink carrier differently. Calvin thought about it, shrugged his shoulders, and gave up. His manager responded, “always ask ‘Can I get you a drink carrier?’” This may seem like a small insignificant detail, but makes all the difference. One makes it seem like an inconvenience, but the other positions you in a way that is ready to serve.

In addition to asking in the right way, it’s important to ask questions at the right time. Asking deeply personal questions or bringing up things from the past at an inopportune time is the opposite of service, but being aware and sensitive to the timing will allow them to respond in a helpful way. Asking questions also requires you to be willing to answer them. Close friendships don’t grow through one-sided interviews, and getting to know someone better requires letting the other person know you.

What questions have you found helpful in getting to know friends better?

|  Credits: Author - Jacintha Payne and Abigail Cavanaugh; Photography - Jacintha Payne  |