A COVER IS NOT THE BOOK
I’ve been thinking a lot about life and the things that motivate me to do what I do.
So much of my motivation is centered around providing an environment for my children that is safe, loving, and creates a space to learn and grow. As I think deeper about why I want these things for my children, I obviously want what is best for them - but, I also want to keep them from experiencing some of the unnecessarily painful things I experienced in my own childhood.
My parents divorced at a young age, which meant that I moved a handful of times before I was 10. I also spent time between my mom’s house and my dad’s. In addition to moving, I went from going to private school in lower elementary school, to “homeschooling,” to public school, then back to “homeschooling” and dual enrollment. Through these formative years I experienced inconsistently present parents, abuse from my mom, isolation from friendships, jumping in and out of different religions and social groups, and all kinds of uncertainty.
From the outside, the people who observed my life and experiences saw something very different than what was actually going on. When we had to move frequently because of the poor decisions my mom made, others saw normal periodic relocation. When I was pulled in and out of schools because my mom wanted to keep me in isolation so people wouldn’t see the abuse going on at home, others saw a caring mom who wanted to protect nurture her children. When I was neglected by a distant mother and required to care for my siblings while my mother was gone for days and I helped make sure the bills were paid, others saw a “cool” “laid back” mom who trusted and gave their children an opportunity to be responsible. When we had to live in filth with our water and electricity getting turned off, hoarding, chickens and other random animals living inside our home, others saw simple eccentricities. This is just barely scratching the surface.
What I wanted so badly during this time was a sense of stability and security. But everything felt transient. As you can imagine, I want to spare as much of these unnecessary hurdles for my children.
There is so much more that could be said. But the reason for sharing these examples is really two-fold: (1) to reinforce the understanding behind why I want something drastically different for my family and (2) to help explain that what we put out there for the world to see can be drastically different from what’s actually going on.
This second reason is what is prompting a lot of my thoughts recently and the motivation for writing this blog.
What I’ve found is that inevitably, some of the things I’ve worked hard to avoid are on the verge of being present and true for our family:
We’ve moved a handful of times (more than I’d like) in the last 10 years and we’re thinking about what moving and buying a home will look like for us.
We’re having to make decisions for the boy’s school that may mean switching schools a few times in the foreseeable future.
There are also a handful of things that strangely mirror things that were true and present from my childhood:
The house we live in now is almost exactly the same layout as the house I was in for the longest period as a kid. It’s hard not to walk down the hallway and remember the good and so many of the bad memories from my childhood.
My mom had seasons of gardening and raising chickens. I have a garden and have chickens running around in our backyard.
I was “homeschooled” for a large portion of my school years and my mom didn’t take the time to actually do my school work with me. Which left me feeling isolated and home most of the time. Now, I’m homeschooling Emet and Abner, and at moments feeling inadequate.
Mark Twain is credited with saying “history doesn’t repeat itself, but it often rhymes.” This feels really true at this stage of my life. Sometimes it feels like I’m looking at life through a mirror - which can feel discouraging at moments. Especially when you’ve tried so hard to avoid certain things.
But what I’ve learned is that we can’t always control what is dealt to us. We can only control the decisions we make with with what is in front of us. I want to be sure that whatever decision I’m making, that it’s the right thing, at the right time, and that I’m doing it with joy. Sometimes avoiding instability and being inconsistent in some way isn’t the best thing for our family. These things shape us and make us who we are. The one thing I want to be true of the experience for my children is that whatever we encounter - it’s wrapped in support and love. I’m always going to be the kind of person who pushes for intentional stability. But I’m also going to take life one day at a time.
I’ve also learned that what we see on the surface isn’t always what it appears to be. Last week, we watched the movie Mary Poppins Returns again as a family. It’s one of my favorite movies and I love watching it with our boys. This time we watched it, one of the songs in the movie particularly stuck out to me and I took the time to explain it to Emet and Abner. The song is called A Cover is Not the Book. These lyrics are a helpful reminder to look beyond the surface and that what we put out there is only a small part of the story.
A cover is not the book
So open it up and take a look
'Cause under the covers one discovers
That the king may be a crook
Chapter titles are like signs
And if you read between the lines
You'll find your first impression was mistook
For a cover is nice
But a cover is not the book
| Credits: Author & Photography - Jacintha Payne |