On my 37th birthday, I find myself reflecting on the winding path that has led me here. The past few years have been transformative, reshaping not only how I view the world but also how I engage with it. At the heart of this transformation lies a profound reminder: empathy is not just an emotion but a bridge—a means of connecting deeply with others and with myself.

The Sculpting of Self

Seven years ago, I wrote a blog reflecting on the first 30 years of my life. Looking back, it feels as though an entire lifetime has passed since then. Between a growing family, navigating the challenges of a global pandemic, family challenges, and experiencing major shifts in my community, I often feel like a different person. But upon deeper reflection, I realize that these experiences haven't changed who I am; they've revealed who I was all along, much like a sculptor chiseling away at stone to uncover the form within.

When I launched this website in 2016, my ambition was large. I wanted to write about a little bit of everything. While my motivations were genuine, I soon understood the importance of focusing on what truly matters. Over the past several years, I've continually asked myself: What truly matters to me?

Unearthing the Power of Empathy

There have been two concepts that have risen to the forefront of my consciousness: empathy and compassion. While often used interchangeably, they hold distinct meanings:

• Compassion: A sympathetic awareness of others' distress coupled with a desire to alleviate it.

• Empathy: The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

For me, empathy is more than a buzz word; it's a guiding principle. It's about stepping into someone else's shoes—not to walk their path for them, but to understand the space they’re living in. It’s feeling with someone instead of feeling for someone. It’s listening and asking questions instead of being quick to offer advice or jump to conclusions.

Growing up, my childhood was filled with challenges that were difficult to articulate. The situations I faced were so extraordinary that sharing them with others often led to their disbelief or discomfort. People didn't know how to react to stories that disrupted their understanding of normalcy. As a result, I learned to keep my reality hidden, creating a sense of isolation that only deepened my pain.

But pain thrives in seclusion. It festers in the shadows, gaining strength from silence. It wasn't until I began to share my experiences that I discovered a profound truth: vulnerability is the birthplace of connection.

Bridging the Gap Through Shared Stories

We live in a world where connections are often made over shared interests—a favorite sports team, a beloved TV show, a mutual hobby. While these connections are valuable, they often remain surface-level. True intimacy arises when we dare to share our vulnerabilities, our fears, and our pains.

When I was younger, I remember yearning for someone to simply listen, to acknowledge my experiences without judgment. Those rare moments when someone offered me their full presence were lifelines, affirming that I wasn't alone. These encounters taught me the transformative power of empathy.

Yet, I've been cautioned against being "too empathetic," warned that it could lead to emotional entanglement or a loss of objectivity. Some even told me that excessive empathy is a weakness or, worse, a sin.

But when I look to the example of Jesus—who embodied perfect empathy and compassion—I find a different narrative. Jesus didn't shy away from people's pain; He stepped into it. He didn't consider empathy a liability but a conduit for healing.

• Matthew 9:36 tells us, "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd."

• Hebrews 4:15 reminds us, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses..."

Reconnecting with What Matters

As I think through being connected with what truly matters on a deeper level, a turning point came when I realized every "yes" was a "no" to something else—often something more important. I began to reassess my priorities, to align my actions with my core values. This led me to focus on three key areas:

1. Clarity of Purpose

My family and I developed a mission statement to serve as our North Star. It guides our decisions, ensuring that our choices reflect our deepest convictions and long-term vision. Recognizing that every yes is inherently a no to something else, we've become deliberate with our time and energy. This clarity has allowed us to invest in what truly matters, rather than getting swept up in demands that distract from our purpose.

2. Authentic Transparency

I committed to being real with those around me—sharing not just my successes but also my struggles. This openness has generated deeper connections and created spaces where others feel safe to share their own stories. It's not always easy to be vulnerable; it requires courage to expose imperfections and fears. However, I've found that this honesty breaks down barriers and builds trust, allowing relationships to flourish through mutual understanding. This doesn’t mean that I’m laying everything out for everyone. It’s about investing in full transparency with the relationships where trust is present.

3. Presence in the Moment

I strive to be fully engaged in the here and now, recognizing that the past and future are ideas that can distract us from the beauty of the present. By embracing being here in the moment, I've found joy in the simple, everyday moments that can easily pass me by. Whether it's a family dinner filled with talking about the day or a quiet family walk around our neighborhood, these moments enrich my life in profound ways.

Embracing the Journey Ahead

As I stand on the threshold of 40, I'm continuing to embrace not just who I am but who I'm becoming. I'm choosing to be present, compassionate, and authentic—not just in isolated moments but as a way of life.

• Being Present means engaging fully with those around me, whether it's being silly with my boys or listening intently to a friend. These small interactions weave the fabric of a meaningful life.

• Being Compassionate involves stepping into others' pain without always trying to fix it, offering empathy and support as they navigate their own journeys. By doing so, I hope to be a source of comfort and encouragement, just as others have been for me.

• Being Authentic requires the courage to show up as I am, embracing vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness, and inviting others to do the same.

Life is too short to keep our pain hidden. By opening up, we not only heal ourselves but also create a safe space for others to do the same. Authenticity breeds authenticity, and in that shared space, we can all grow together.

Letting Go to Move Forward

As I move forward, I'm embracing new perspectives that align with personal growth and compassion for others.

I'm letting go of self-created identities—the need to define myself through achievements or societal expectations. My worth isn't tied to owning a home by a certain age, having a degree sooner, building a career that fits a specific mold. While these are commendable goals, they don't define who I am. There have also been people in my life who wanted me to conform to their expectations, who didn't understand my upbringing, or when I tried to open up about my experiences, they dismissed my feelings as being too dramatic or exaggerative. These interactions only confirmed that seeking validation from others only leads to frustration and disconnect. Embracing that my identity is rooted in something deeper brings peace and freedom, allowing me to pursue goals aligned with my true passions rather than external pressures.

I'm also rejecting the myth of constant activity. Productivity doesn't require perpetual busyness. Rest and reflection are essential components of a meaningful life. Sometimes, the most productive thing I can do is to pause and be still. In those quiet moments, I find clarity, inspiration, and a renewed sense of purpose. I've come to appreciate that downtime isn't wasted time; it's a necessary part of personal growth and well-being.

Carrying Forward Lessons Learned

Entering this new decade, I'm embracing practices that enrich my life:

• Intentional Reading: I'm dedicating time to books that challenge and inspire me, and encourage continual growth. Reading has always been a source of joy, and I want to nurture that habit.

• Appreciating the Ordinary: I'm finding joy in everyday moments—family dinners, walks around or neighborhood, and quiet evenings at home. These simple pleasures hold profound happiness when fully experienced.

• Valuing Stillness: I'm protecting time with loved ones and embracing a quieter life. Moving away from the need to always be "busy," I'm finding joy in simply being.

Join Me

Thank you for allowing me to share my reflections with you. My hope is that my journey resonates in some way with yours. May we all strive to embrace empathy, build meaningful connections, and create moments that truly count.

Together, let's step into the stories of others—not to solve or judge, but to understand. In doing so, we honor their experiences and enrich our own lives in ways we never imagined.

Here's to embracing empathy, creating authentic connections, and living a life of intentionality.

| Credits: Author - Jacintha Payne; Photography - Calvin Payne |