As the arrival of our first born son drew near, it was my goal to do as much preparation ahead of time so I could care for him in the best way possible. Plus, I wanted to know as much as I could about what to expect with welcoming a newborn into our family. Of course, I had many friends and moms tell me that I “had to read this book” or “that book.” The list was long, but I was determined to wrap my head around parenting. Each book had its own ideas and methodology that claimed was *the* way to care for your newborn (feeding techniques, sleeping strategies, etc.). As an outsider looking in, I wasn’t sure what to make of these different methods or even where to start. I knew some of these methods made more sense to me than others and felt more compatible with the way that my brain worked. However, as I considered the things I read, I noticed a glaring problem with most of these books. While most laid out a good plan, they lacked a convincing WHY to support their method.

Having a convincing “why” is important because it provides purpose and lays a foundation for why we do what we do. I took a step back to wade through the various techniques and put together my own framework for scheduling our children.

I’m in no way an expert on infant sleep habits or under any illusions that there is only one way to parent and handle a family schedule with a new little one. Different situations and medical needs call for different plans and strategies. There are helpful benefits to scheduling your children, but some methods (as with anything), when taken to an extreme and held as an unnecessary standard for everyone, can become harmful and unhelpful. I wish I could share all of this with you in a way that allowed you to observe how our home *really* looks and functions day to day. The give and take. The conversations. However, after I was asked to share my plan several times with friends (and friends of friends) and observing their success in implementing it, I decided to put it down in a blog as a reference for those seeking clear and simple direction like I was. Hopefully, this blog is helpful for you as I try my best to share what has worked for us.

DEFINING THE WHY

“Sleep training” and being “parent led” are controversial methods of caring for your children. Often, there’s a misconception that both sleep training and being scheduled means you get to sit in the living room watching television while ignoring your crying baby in the other room. I hope to bring some clarity to these assumptions. In fact, if your child is having hunger cries, it likely means your schedule isn’t correct and may need adjusting. The hope is that by scheduling your feedings your baby won’t have an opportunity to get upset from being hungry. This requires watching the baby and learning how he is communicating with his body language (mouth movements, squirming, specific cries, etc.) and learning how much time he is able to go between each feeding.

When I established a definition of what I wanted to accomplish as a parent (the why), I was able to use that as a lens for determining what would work best for our home.

As you think through how you’ll care for your little one when he/she arrives, ask the following questions:

1. What does a baby need?

2. Who knows what is best for the child?

3. Who decides what the family’s rhythm should be?

4. When does this decision making start?

Here is how I answered these questions:

What does a baby need?

A baby needs a number of things, but narrowing it down to the basics - a baby needs food, sleep, diaper changes and hygiene, play and stimulation, and love from the parent. There are, of course, other needs for your baby but these are the core of what it takes to care for them.

Who knows what is best for the child?
There are many layers to answering this question. But the answer is you - the parent. You wouldn’t leave it up to your newborn to make decisions for themselves. It is up to you, the parent, to learn your children and make choices based on what is best for them.

Who decides what the family’s rhythm should be?

It’s our job as parents to lead our children and teach them to be disciplined from a young age. Undoubtedly, we will learn things about life from our children as we spend time with them. However, it is our job to lead, teach, and set the rhythm for our homes. This begins with helping set a repeatable and predictable rhythm for their feeding and sleeping.

When does this decision making start?

If our child needs basic care, and we know what is best for our children and set the rhythm for our family then the question must be asked: when does this decision making start? The answer is now. No matter where the child’s current sleeping habits are at, we can make changes to their feeding and sleeping schedule now.

SCHEDULING YOUR BABY

I started immediately with scheduling feeding times for both of my children. Both of them had unique personalities and things that required adjusting along the way. However, this is the template I used to get both of my boys on schedule. The goal is to get your baby to the place where they are able to sleep through the night without needing to feed.

Before I share the schedules with you, I wanted to first note:

Reassess When Needed

The goal is for my baby to sleep through the night. So, I err on the side of being more scheduled for the sake of (a.) helping the baby’s stomach grow (which is good for him) and (b.) for own my sleep and sanity. But I’m also a believer in holding a healthy tension and balance between sticking to the schedule and being flexible. I try to create a schedule and stick to it as much as I can while also allowing flexibility. For example: Emet’s nap time is around 1:30 each day now, but I allow a grace period on each side (currently about an hour). If there are moments when you want to hold your sweet little one, do it. Sometimes Emet comes into our room and we cuddle together. That’s ok, we need to allow for that time and cherish those moments, too. But, they can be trained and it makes life soooo much easier in the long run as they learn to sleep on their own. Emet was sleeping through the night after a couple months with this and I was so thankful (especially because I was also working at the time).

The structure of the schedule is made for you and the benefit of the family. Don’t let it become a burden for you. Yes, trying your best to stick to the schedule as much as you can is beneficial and will make your life easier and more predictable. With that said, push your child regularly and break your schedule when special events come up (travel, visits to the zoo, etc.) which will help teach your child to be comfortable when things change.

Additionally, as your children grow they will experience several growth spurts. This means they will need extra nutrients and feedings during this time. Be flexible and pay attention to them. Allow them to alert you when they need a little extra.

Sacrifice is Needed

While implementation of this framework was a lot of work on the front end, it was so helpful and worked out really well. That’s not to say it was easy - I had so many extra challenges with our firstborn, Emet. Between staying in the NICU for a week after he was born and fixing three ties in his mouth and struggling with my milk the whole time I was nursing - this was challenging. There are definitely different personalities with little ones and it’s crazy how quickly you can see these differences. Nursing and scheduling our little Abner has already been loads easier than it was with Emet. I think a large part of that was because of the nursing complications we had with Emet’s low blood sugar and lip ties but I also think it’s easier this time because I know what I’m walking into with scheduling our second child and see the benefits of immediately implementing these things.

The process of scheduling requires some sacrifice on the front end. You’ll have to spend some time figuring out how you will structure things and will have to be deliberate with your time (making sure you are home for nap times, saying no to certain outings and get-togethers). I’ve also found it isn’t helpful to bank on your child sleeping in the stroller or the car seat during their scheduled nap times, but instead allowing them to rest; laying down and getting them used to being in the comfort of their own room.

OK, so here are the schedules I used for Emet and now Abner:

Schedule 1 - The first schedule is pretty straight forward. Most everyone will tell you that you’re supposed to feed your newborn every 2 hours. This is where I started and it was pretty much based on when I fed them for the first time. If your baby is born at 3:30 PM and you feed him immediately after that, you can start there and use the timeframe listed below. I try to push a little bit as necessary to have the feedings rounded off to either be on the hour or half hour - just because that has made it easier for remembering and scheduling other things around the feeding times.

As your baby grows - if your baby is crying after a feeding and after laying him down it could be because he didn’t get enough food yet. So try to see if he wants more. Once he’s done eating, his diaper is dry, he’s all cozy and has everything that he needs and he cries again, try giving it a little bit of time for him to comfort himself. If he’s still crying after 5-10 minutes you can go in and show them comfort by picking them up, cuddling them, laying them back down and rubbing their head or belly. Just loving them and helping them understand that they are comfortable and have everything that they need. This can take a lot of energy and effort but in the long run it’s helping them get the rest they need to grow.

Schedule 2 - After using the schedule above for two weeks, you’ll get an idea for how your little one functions and communicates about feeding. You may find towards the end of the second week that your baby may be eating less and less during each feeding. What I’ve found is because the feedings are so frequent, he’s getting enough milk that he isn’t as hungry by the next feeding. So I began widening the gap between the feedings instead of feeding every 2 hours, I stretched him to feeding every 3 hours. This little adjustment 2 weeks in allows you to drop 4 feeding times, which will allow you to have more uninterrupted sleep during the night.

Schedule 3 - After one successful week of 8 total feedings, I begin trying to drop one of the middle of the night feedings. In this case, the feeding I’m trying to drop is the 4:30 AM feeding. The way that I try to eliminate this feeding is by making sure that he has a good 1:30 AM feeding. Then I start watching and listening to see if the 1:30 AM feeding is sufficient for keeping him full until 7:30 AM. If your baby is stirring, waking, etc in or around 4:30 AM, go ahead and feed. The goal is to keep doing this step until you can eliminate this feeding. A full belly with weight gain really helps with these stretches.

Also, at a few weeks old, I begin trying to put my children in their crib at night in their room and during the day keeping them in their bassinet near where I am. This will help them separate the difference between day and night.

Note: After babies eat they have fresh calories that give them energy to be awake. Try to maintain a pattern of -Eat, Awake, Sleep- during the day. Your baby probably won’t stay awake for more than 30-60 mins after he eats during the day, but forcing him to stay awake will in turn give a better nap which will give him a better feed and a longer night’s sleep.

Schedule 4 - After I’m able to eliminate the middle of the night feeding, the next goal is to get rid of the 1:30 AM feeding. Something I’ve found super helpful in this process is incorporating a dream feed. This is just picking up your baby while they’re still asleep and feeding them right before you go to bed. The hope is that this will provide them enough to get through till that morning feeding time.

This helped me have Emet sleeping through the night in his second month. And my goodness, were we all grateful for that much needed sleep. I would still feed him if he woke up hungry at times for the 1:30 and 4:30 AM but I was not waking him for these feedings.

Schedule 5 - changes

At this point, I’m helping push him through the middle of the night feedings at 1:30 AM and 4:30 AM with helping him find comfort as his stomach grows. Also, at this point, he spends most of his nights sleeping in his room in his crib instead of a bassinet.

I've included example schedules that I created and used personally. The following schedules go up until 2 & ½ years old. They follow a “wake, eat, play, sleep” routine.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Here are some other tips and resources as you think through scheduling your family. These resources cover everything from nursing and why sleep is medically important to building the right mindset in parenting that allows you to hold things in a healthy tension. Each of these have been incredibly helpful for me and I hope they are the same for you.

Keeping Your Milk in Supply (For Nursing Moms)

I was able to sustain my first son (Emet) with my milk until he was 9 months old. This was not as long as I wanted. I got really sick at about 8 months and it was a steep decline with my milk at that point and I was literally feeding him out of one side. Emet was also a thrasher, which didn’t help. Haha. Anyways, it was so very hard for me and I had tons of complications - but I want to encourage you to press on. And I bet you’re already doing better than I was. Here are some helpful tips on how to keep your milk in supply:

• Eat oatmeal every morning for breakfast.

• Drink 6-8 ounces of water every time he eats.

• Take Fenugreek and Milk Thistle.

• Pump to get completely empty after morning feed and right before you go to bed.

• If you need to at the beginning, pump each time done nursing. You may not get anything but it will help teach your body to make more.

  • I haven’t needed to do this for my second child yet because he has a much better latch, but this helped a lot with my first.

• Pumping in the middle of the night can be helpful for milk supply.

• Rest as often as you can.

• Lactation cookies: https://www.howsweeteats.com/2015/02/lactation-cookies/

• Stay away from cold medicine.

Track Your Feedings

Keep track of your feedings. Log what time, how long they nursed or how much formula they took in, and which side was used (if breastfeeding). This will help give you an idea for how much your little one is eating.

LINKS - Resources:

Article: Good, Sound Sleep for Your Child - WebMD
Book: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family - Paul Tripp
Book: What to Expect the First Year - Heidi Murkoff
Podcast: How to Embrace Tension to Be a Strong Leader - StoryBrand Podcast
App: Sprout Baby

Thank you so much for reading! I hope it was helpful. Do you have any helpful tricks in scheduling your little one?

| Credits: Author - Jacintha Payne; Photography - Jacintha & Calvin Payne |